The teacher asked billy if there are 4 birds on a tree, and one gets shot, how many will be left on the tree? Billy says none, because when u shoot one bird, the rest will fly away. The teacher, impressed, replies, the answer is 3 birds left, but I like the way your thinking. Billy says, let me ask you a question miss, there are 3 women eating ice cream in different ways, one biting, one sucking and one licking, which women is married? The teacher, nervously says the one sucking. Billy says, no the answer is the one with a wedding ring on, but I like the way your thinking
A man buys a lie detector Robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school *Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
.SON: Toy Story *Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was porn
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HA HA! After all, he's your son. *Robot slaps mom*
Little boy and Santa 01/31/2011
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!
Dying wife 01/31/2011
A wife was dying. Her husband was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" he said, there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright." "No I must die in peace. I fucked your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," he whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you fucking bitch, now close your eyes"!
Attorney and Old Lady 01/31/2011
Defense attorney: will u please state ur age? Old lady: I am 94 years old. Attorney: Will u tell us in ur own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old lady: There I was, sitting on my porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up n sat down next to me. Attorney: Did u know him? Old lady: No, but he was friendly. Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old lady: He rubbed my thigh. Attorney: Did u stop him? Old lady: No. Attorney: Why not? Old lady: It felt gud. No one has touched me since my Albert died. Attorney: What happened next? Old lady: He began to rub my breasts. Attorney: Did u stop him then? Old lady: No Attorney: Why not? Old lady: It made me feel alive & excited. I haven't felt like that in years! Attorney: What happened next? Old lady: Well by then I was all hott & spicy so I laid down and told him, take me...take me now! Attorney: Did he take u? Old lady: Hell No! Da nigga yelled "April Fools" and that's when I shot the muthafuca
Jamaican woman 01/31/2011
A jamaican woman 3 months pregnant went into a coma. 6 months after, she woke in d hospital, asked wat happened 2 d baby? D Doc replied, "u gave birth 2 healthy twins...1 boi and 1 gyul..." Luckily ur brother waz dere 2 name em'... she sat up!" wat?... Noo Doc noo....My BROTHER A ONE IDIOT... WHA HE NAME DE GYUL? THE DOC REPLIED... He named her Denise.... The woman relieved asked... So wat did he call the boi... Doc replied.... De'nephew!
A Cowboy walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK 01/31/2011
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that? The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
Little Tyrone 01/31/2011
Little Tyrone was watching his mom cook dinner. He covered his face in flour and said LOOK! Im a white boy. his mom slapped him on the head and said show ur daddy what u did! His dad slapped him upside the head and said show ur granny the stupid shit u done. his granny slapped him across the head and asked what u have 2say 4urself? Tyrone said ive only been white 5minutes and i already hate u niggas!
Post Office Hiring 01/29/2011
United States Postal Service
We are accepting applications for City Carrier Transitional positions.
Apply on our website
February 1-3, 2011
This position pays $21.66 per hour
for various Chicago Postal Stations
> Must be 18 years of age or High School graduate
> Must be US Citizen or have permanent resident alien status
> Must pass a background check, drug test and pre-employment medical assessment
> Must reside within daily commuting distance of the position
Must have a valid drivers license with at least two years continuous driving experience
and good driving record
Your completed profile and application must be submitted on-line by the closing date.
NO PAPER APPLICATIONS WILL BE ACCEPTED